Internal Family Systems
Sometimes, you feel like you are at war with yourself.
Deep down, some areas of your life contain deep pockets of pain. When other people criticize you, this pain becomes activated.
Over the years, you have figured out ways to hide the pain. You are a ‘people pleaser’ and will always put your needs aside to help others, even at your own expense. Pleasing others is the best way to avoid conflict and criticism.
There are some benefits here. You are well-liked, and you can read people well. They come to you with their problems. The negative is that it is overwhelming and lonely. You long to connect with others, but asserting yourself in relationships feels unsafe.
Aside from being a peoplepleaser, you’ve found that you can avoid negative feelings if you keep busy. You work hard daily, and a whirlwind of activity after work. In the evening, a few glasses of wine help keep the demons at bay.
Eventually, something must give.
Staying busy with no time for yourself can work for years or even decades, but eventually, things will catch up with you.
Work responsibilities change, or children grow up and leave the home. It’s no longer accessible or sustainable to stay constantly busy.
The few glasses of wine a night start to feel worse in the morning. It’s harder to bounce back the next day.
Your relationships are suffering; you’re feeling sore; and things you enjoyed, like working out, walking, or socializing, no longer hold any joy.
IFS provides a compassionate path forward.
IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy can help balance your life if any of the above sounds like you. IFS looks at the human psyche as composed of parts that inhabit a system. Changes in parts can have a significant impact on the system.
For example, in the system described above, working parts, drinking parts, and people-pleasing parts protect a younger part that endured criticism and turmoil in the home as a child. In IFS therapy, we work with the protective parts first. Eventually, the young, hurt part will surface.
We can assist the young part in unburdening her pain and taking other qualities like joy, curiosity, and courage. When this happens, a tremendous shift occurs. Those protective parts no longer have to protect the young, hurt child part. They can take on different roles in the system.
For example, the drinking part can allow a few glasses of wine during the weekend, but it no longer has to numb the big feelings every night. The overworking part can scale back. It’s no longer necessary to fill every spare moment. The people-pleasing part can scale back as well.
Setting healthy boundaries is no longer scary, even if people sometimes get slightly upset when you prioritize your needs.
This work is very symbolic, and it relies on internal work. It is a potent tool that leverages attachment theory and neuroscience dynamically.
Here’s more about my IFS work.
IFS forms the foundation of who I am as a therapist. I learned about IFS during my first semester at graduate school and became hooked.
As an assignment for one of our classes, I had to interview a therapist. I chose an IFS therapist named Judi Addelston. We were supposed to have a one-hour interview, but I talked to her for three hours. She was kind, fierce, and a beautiful soul who became my first mentor.
As time went on, I had to complete eight mandatory therapy sessions for my school to graduate. I asked Judi who she would recommend, and she told me that the best IFS therapist she knew was Derek Scott.
Although I started working with Derek to do my eight mandatory sessions, I completed around 100 sessions as Derek’s client. In those two years of work, I worked through my trauma. I internalized many qualities that Derek brought to therapy (kindness, compassion, curiosity, and competence are just a few that come to mind).
My passion for IFS continues.
Both Derek and Judi have passed away, but I do my best to honor their kind souls every day in my life and my work.
Derek Scott was well known in the IFS community because of his teaching and the fantastic videos on his website: https://ifsca.ca/.
Here is one of Derek’s videos on the subject of shame that gives an idea of how IFS works:
I continued my journey with IFS by attending a Level 1 IFS training. During this training, I spent a week in Austin, Texas, and a week in Delray Beach, Florida, immersed in IFS therapy. I met lifelong mentors and friends in this training. My IFS journey continues, and I am excited to continue with this life-changing work. I often utilize IFS work together with EMDR to provide life-changing results.
IFS benefits Therapists.
Most IFS clients I work with are therapists already in tune with their inner selves but seek guidance to continue their journey.
Most excellent trauma therapists I know have a personal history of relational trauma. I am honored to help therapists work through their trauma to guide their clients compassionately and effectively.
If you are overwhelmed and have trouble finding time for yourself, IFS can help you find a balance with your work, commitments, and the need for some ‘me time.’
Please get in touch with me today and learn how IFS can help you work through the trauma that keeps you off balance.